I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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