the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
