my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Woke up backwards on a recliner
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Randomize
