MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
