No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
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My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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