I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
