You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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