My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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