Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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