Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
