I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
