i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
