what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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