I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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