Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Randomize
