Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
