i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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