and my herpes radar will keep us safe
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
