I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My penis needs a shock collar
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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