The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
