Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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