Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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