My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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