Texts From Last Night

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  (256): View more from Alabama

  So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.

  (256): View more from Alabama

  that was the beginning of the end.

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  (256): So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school. (256): that was the beginning of the end. http://tfl.nu/usmt
  Replies (23) Good night (656) Bad night (3484)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence

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  (303): And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open? (1-303): That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence http://tfl.nu/qwl7
  Replies (8) Good night (2417) Bad night (622)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.

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  (214): For those pictures, I will suffer this headache. http://tfl.nu/al31
  Replies (2) Good night (3276) Bad night (883)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them

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  (503): I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them http://tfl.nu/p9tn
  Replies (12) Good night (2712) Bad night (1347)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.

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  (248): That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that. http://tfl.nu/u3z8
  Replies (7) Good night (2286) Bad night (1342)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.

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  (804): What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language. http://tfl.nu/0hum
  Replies (3) Good night (2641) Bad night (569)
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  (619): View more from California

  I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.

  (1-619): View more from California

  Very innocently.

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  (619): I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend. (1-619): Very innocently. http://tfl.nu/o8xf
  Replies (19) Good night (2969) Bad night (588)
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  (818): View more from California

  Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.

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  (818): Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell. http://tfl.nu/vgl2
  Replies (22) Good night (2313) Bad night (1081)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.

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  (978): If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again. http://tfl.nu/fk6d
  Replies (13) Good night (794) Bad night (1080)
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass

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  (281): I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass http://tfl.nu/c4rp
  Replies (9) Good night (1180) Bad night (446)
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing

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  (514): AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing http://tfl.nu/uira
  Replies (0) Good night (246) Bad night (469)
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  (772): View more from Florida

  He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina

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  (772): He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina http://tfl.nu/eog8
  Replies (14) Good night (1497) Bad night (313)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!

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  (443): Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch! http://tfl.nu/w5ox
  Replies (2) Good night (505) Bad night (227)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment

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  (773): We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment http://tfl.nu/wv2s
  Replies (2) Good night (557) Bad night (169)
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  (510): View more from California

  I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.

  (1-510): View more from California

  Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume

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  (510): I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion. (1-510): Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume http://tfl.nu/f5c6
  Replies (1) Good night (643) Bad night (168)

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