I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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