when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
accomplished twins. life is a go
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
