i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
