There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
There was a lot of him and a little penis
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
