Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
