I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
