Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
