I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Randomize
