i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
