just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
