I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize