i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
barbara walters just said penis...
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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