I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
