pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
