If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Are we still banned from the library?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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