i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
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I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
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Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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