Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
