That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
