Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
