I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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