I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
