I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
