I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
