Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize