i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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