Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
