i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
