Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
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This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
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Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
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