the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
