If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
