Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
