Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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