i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Are my feet made of real feet?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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