Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
