I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
