mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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