we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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